God lives within me.

I can say this a hundred times.
I could probably even make a song or a kid drawing page out of it.
Yet, it is so hard to completely accept and remember.

In me, God is living; but I have trapped Him. I put him in a box and locked him in. I'm holding the key, but I can't seem to open Him. I'm too afraid. My faith is too weak.
Why can't I let God shine out of me?
Why am I doubting His power? Why do I keep denying the fact that God can use me?
Why do I feel so incompetent? :(

It doesn't make sense that He would use the weak.
If you could use a sturdy, unbreakable pencil - why would you choose to use the broken, dull one?
What am I doing, God? Where are you leading me? Am I blind in Your journey?

I also thought about how God breaks people, puts them in the lowest state to pick them up with His hands.
I also just ripped my pants o_o but just like this rip, if I patched it up - it's stronger. Though it can rip again, with the new piece of cloth, it's stronger and harder to rip again. God is making us stronger for us to endure through any unexpected surprise in life.

In Agape, someone also said that your faith, your spirituality is not based on how well you can interpret the Bible or how much you pray. This sorta struck me. Though not in entirely, this was definitely a factor in determining one's faith, how far one was in his/her walk with God. Is it really by your actions? Is it really what you do for others?

I don't know.

What I do know is that my journey can be slow. I can take a step by step, discover more of Him little by little - because this isn't a race and there is no end in God's path.

If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?

としより (toshiyori)

means old people in Japanese. I just spent some time with them.

I almost didn't go to Generations today because I felt rather blah after class and wasn't even sure that the elderly we were visiting even cared that much - or if I cared for that matter. For the last few weeks, I've been going with the wrong mindset. Going because I said I would, but really just being tired and half listening to the discussions.

For some reason, today really touched me.

I realized that these people didn't just see us as volunteers coming in once a week, but rather friends they wanted to build a relationship with. Despite the generation gap, they were comfortable sharing their stories and their lives. I discovered that they have gone through sooooo many losses, but still could smile and laugh with us. Although I couldn't emphasize with them and was scared that I was asking sensitive questions, I admired them.

Even with their deteriorating eyesight, feeble body...
their family members and friends who have left this world...
their children not contacting them, their failed marriages....
they would laugh at old pictures and smile, recalling their childhood memories.
Just looking at them "hehehehe"-ing hysterically at a picture where a man didn't have his pants zippers up, made me laugh too. Memories and pictures have so much capability of bringing joy.



Their sincere thanks and eagerness for us to come to their potluck really touched me.

Uh oh, I have to go -_-
The end.

Just the simple words...

"I'm so proud of you" from my dad makes me want to cry.

아빠,
사실 저 잘하고있는거 없는데..
지금 절보면 실망 하실건데..
다른애들이랑 비교해보면, 저 너무 한심하지만..
그것도 모르고 (그런데, 알아도) 제가 자랑스럽다는말을 해주니깐
고마움에 눈물나와요
------------------

나를위해 모든걸 해줄수 있는 아빠
내가 뭐를해도 끝없이 사랑해주는  아빠
언제나 이뻐해주고, 기분좋게해주는 아빠
진짜 이세상에서 내아빠 최고

하느님 -이런 아빠를 저한태 주셔서 너무 고마워요

 I love my dad sooooooo much.
He has given me inspiration, encouragement, trust, faith, and most importantly unconditional love.

아빠 너무 고마워
It's not only on Father's Day that I appreciate you, but every day of my life!
이걸 아빠한태 보내면, 그냥 느끼하게 쓴거라고 생각할수있지만-
솔직히, this is my 진심.

Perfection.

Blaaah. I'm so imperfect...
I almost wrote an ultra bitter blog, but then I erased it.

I missed church three weeks in a row :((
Sorry God. I suck.

buuut I just read in this little book my priest gave me earlier this month. It's called Magnificat and has monthly issues with daily prayers, the word, and meditation. I haven't touched it at all until this morning & I discovered:

 'Perfection is nothing else than the faithful co-operation of the soul with the work of God, and it begins, grows and is consummated in our souls secretly and without our being aware of it.' -Father de Caussade


My idea of perfection is so flawed.
My image of a perfect figure is so beautiful. Pretty face, slim body, intelligent mind, selfless and loving heart. Self-disciplined. Follows plans.  Loved unconditionally. Genuine. Has a hot male counterpart... -_-
.
Not lazy. Not bitter.Not anxious about the future. Not afraid. Not struggling in easy classes. Not binge eating and feeling disgusting. Not wasting time. Not failing.
Everything I lack, this figment epitomically demonstrates.
This illusion I created covered up Jesus Christ.

I've forgotten about God's designs and will. His power to embrace us with love that is soooo divine and so perfect, that nothing else in this world matters. Lately, I have just been only concentrated on theological knowledge. So many questions just got stuck in my mind. Why was it that I had to seek God? If He really does love me that much why can't He find me and engulf me with knowledge and love? How could I be a princess in His kingdom if I'm a servant? What kind of royalty is this?! If what come out of one's mouth make him unclean because it affects the heart, how can those who honor Him with their lips have hearts that are so far from Him?

Yet, it is not the philosophy or scientific fire that warms us. God creates sanctity in our souls and not intellectual speculations about this principle.

"If we wish to quench our thirst, we must lay aside books which explain thirst, and take a drink."
I need to take a drink. Gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp.
 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Matthew 5:48 "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."
I remembered the song by Natalie Grant - Perfect People. She sings that "there's no such thing as perfect people" but if God lives within us, shouldn't we be perfect? There is such thing as perfect people & I will become one of them.


Lord, please shower me with joy. It is day by day we live for you, not once a week, or once a month.
Just like this, help me live day by day. 하루하루 열심히. I can't give up. If I take a wrong path, I shall make a new route in the right direction.


God will give me strength. After all - I am His princess, right?

Oh no...

I should be in class right now.
Although I'd be late, I could go and it wouldn't be a big deal.
Buuuut I just don't want to  o_o''
I don't want to do anything! I feel so disorganized. Sigh; I'm just going to ditch Japanese class, I guess. I also haven't done any of my seminar readings. -_________-
Ughhh
lakddlkfjlakdhf

Tomorrow, I'll just pretend like today didn't exist.

19

Before anything, I'd like to thank God for giving me this wonderful life.
I know I am so blessed, even when I am denying it. It's just too easy to want more. I'm so greedy but is that okay? Can I keep asking for more? (I hope the answer is yes.)

Anyway, this is what it must feel to be 19.
I want to be forever young. My friends are so nice in creating Operation Jules Rules; hahah.
I do rule. It's a fact.

There was actually a Queen Juliana. She was the ruler of Netherlands.
Blaaah. Why am I awake?! o_____o

so bascially..

Ashley Park is great.

I wonder

WHO READS THIS?!
lol; really- I kinda want to get rid of this cus it's a bit useless and I don't think anyone reads it besides maybe like one person HAHaha
buuut
-_-

IDK HOW TO GET RID OF IT EITHER!
oh well.
sorry for all the CAPS! I AM ACTUALLY PRETTY CALM!
(:

hey alice. special shout out to you

I'm trying to

challenge what i believe in, right?
I used to not completely believe in the Bible...& I can't say that  do right now either (esp. since I haven't read all of it)
buuuut regardless I need to understand it first. I need to know my biblical faith is genuine before anything else.


Why is it that the more i read the bible, the more questions i have.
Why is my confusion growing and growing?! WHY AM I SO CONFUSED! ALWAYS?! I feel like suddenly I have been filled with so many questions and the yearning for these answers I wouldn't have really cared much about before.

Oh yeah, I still don't know how to blog really.
I'll try to write better things later...oh, idk like the blogs where your thoughts are organized -_-+
BLAHhhhh
Okay that is all for now.
Baiiiii

what is...

it that I want?
& why do I want what I want?! o___o